I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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