she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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