My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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