____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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