so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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