Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
