I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
