dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize