Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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