Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
