I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
