between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
