how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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