It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
