is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
