I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
we're so committed to being not committed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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