Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize