i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
