Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
