I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
