I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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