I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
dude. I can hear the air.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
