sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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