I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
