there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
