you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
