I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
