Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
