so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she peed on how many people?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
