Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
