How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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