I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
