I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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