I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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