got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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