Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She even gives head with a lisp.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
