I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize