Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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