Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
