My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
