You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
