Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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