My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
