im about as happy as oj after his trial
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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