you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
