Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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