I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
