Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
did i just pee glitter
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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