Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
