No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
