My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
