i don't like sucking hair
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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