I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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