we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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