I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
