Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
