new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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