I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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